bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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