You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
