where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
