The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
