what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
