Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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