so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
