I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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