I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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