She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
