He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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