this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
