I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
