I can text with my tongue
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My butt remains clenched, sir.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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