there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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