Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
