oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
