i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
