If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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