Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
