I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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