I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize