yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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