I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
