I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
