miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize