im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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