1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
