Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
