I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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