Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
