his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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