If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
