I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
