just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
