If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
