I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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