You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize