I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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