I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
is wine microwaveable?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
