Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
