so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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