I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Randomize
