I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Oh god it's open bar.
Come on in and take your pants off
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