what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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