You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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