I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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