i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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