Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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