Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
