im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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