Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
