this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
