Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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