she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
