JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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