ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
