I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Randomize
