Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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