My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
